I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
