Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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