i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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