rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
