I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sex in the backyard? Check.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
