Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
ttyl tear gas
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
