I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
