I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
