Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
