I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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