11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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