in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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