Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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