end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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