The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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