I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
