He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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