I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
