she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
