I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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