Will you blow on my dice?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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