i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
