Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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