I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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