yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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