holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
