when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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