forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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