I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
