I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
