I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
