too bad you live with your parents still
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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