i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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