We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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