Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
