where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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