Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I cut my penus on the lid.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
