My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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