Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
