why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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