before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
