You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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