I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
