I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
