he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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