There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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