what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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