my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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