So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
