Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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