we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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